Archive for March 4th, 2008

One Year Later – Abbie Allard

Yesterday Linda shared her thoughts. Today we hear from Abbie. May you be encouraged as you read her reflections and perspective…

When I was asked to write something here on Pastor Kevin’s blog for the one year anniversary date of my brother’s passing, I thought to myself, What words could I possibly come up with that would be able to say exactly what I want to say? and What do I even want to say in the first place? I read what my mom had written and thought she did a great job with explaining her thoughts and feelings. I said to God, “What is it that I could write about? I don’t even know where to begin…” That same day, I was listening to a CD that I had not listened to in a quite a while, and one song stuck out to me unlike it ever had before. The sun had not even gone down yet when God gave me a hint on what my heart really wanted to share.

“Who can hold the stars and my weary heart?
Who can see everything?
I’ve fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far but not beyond Your reach
I could climb a mountain, swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it’s when You hold me that I start unfolding
And all I can say is
andrew_allard.jpg
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that rises over castles
And welcomes the day
Spills over buildings into the streets
Where orphans play
And only you can see the good in broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah”

-Hallelujah by Bethany Dillon

When Andrew passed away, I could have easily blamed God, hated God, or even turn my back on God altogether. Too many questions existed without a trace of answers that could be found by human insight alone. I searched for answers in places beyond myself and my own thoughts, and could not find any there as well. And yes, that was a fancy way of saying I could not find the answers in even God, the only place I knew to look. Yet in the midst of all the confusion and lonesomeness, God wrapped his arms around me and gave me a peace, a tranquility, that was unlike anything I had ever felt before. My heart was not overwhelmed with the sorrow this world expected me to feel. At times I felt guilty because I was not as broken as the people around me that were affected by the loss as well. Instead of pointing the finger at God and blaming him for taking Andrew away from me, I chose to ’sing hallelujah’ and ‘see the good in broken things’; and to my surprise, there were more good things than I expected.

According to Isaiah 55:8-9, God’s way are not my ways; his thoughts are not even close to my own. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” After pursuing any answers that could satisfy the deep questions burning inside of me, I came to a realization that God’s ways really are higher than my own. Even though I did not find any of the answers I was originally looking for, I became satisfied in knowing that God had the whole situation in the palm of His hands. Even though I had to go through a major loss, I have been able to see many lives gained into the Lord’s kingdom because of Andrew’s life. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” (Ps. 23:4) So true.

“Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah”

My heart has learned to sing those few lines since last year; not only during tragic circumstances such as losing someone dear to me, but during every situation that comes my way, good or bad, big or small. Trusting God is no longer just a Bible verse that sounds really sweet, but a daily choice of action to give Him all my cares and worries. I have found that the more I trust God with the little things, the easier it is to trust Him with the bigger things. I honestly don’t know who I would be if I had not gone through what I did one year ago. However, I do know my confidence in Him has been strengthened through it all.